I’ve decided to make a goal to post a blog everyday for a year starting January 1st. I absolutely love writing. The art of piecing together a collaboration of carefully chosen words to elicit precisely what you’re thinking and feeling but more importantly, to forge a form of connection with another person in a completely different place and/or time through mere words is intriguing and incredibly beautiful to me.
I think the fact that I love it so much is also the reason why I’m the most insecure about it. I will write something, ask Jarod to read it and annoyingly stare and analyze his every expression, grumble, laugh, etc. Then I’ll become even more annoying by asking him if he liked it and after he responses that he did, I resort to a pathetic, extremely insecure pre-pubescent teeny-bopper and embarrass myself even further with, “well, did you really like it?”
Jarod and I <3 (December 2005).
I know I’m so annoying but he also thinks I’m hott, which apparently is enough of a trade-off for him and great for me because I don’t foresee an end to these questions anytime soon.
Sorry, hubby.
But back to what I was saying: I am horribly insecure about my abilities as a writer because I so desperately want to be amazing at it. I hate that annoying, little voice in my head that says I’m not good enough so if anything this is my attempt to be a better me and a better writer. Also, to that mean little voice inside my head, I would like to say, "F you.”
Eight day old baby Aiden <3
Another reason I want to write more often in this blog is that life is racing forward so incredibly fast that I don’t even know where all the time has gone. Aiden, our first-born son, is turning four, FOUR!, in a few months. What. The. Hell. Seriously. How did that happen?? I mean, really, when did I even become old enough to have sex?? Let alone carry, give birth and celebrate my child’s fourth birthday.
Thus, along with facing my fears, this blog is my attempt to encapsulate the beautiful and not-so-beautiful moments that I hope to never forget before they become just another brief passing in time.
I’m going to blame post-partum hormones/ brand-new, fresh-baby, crack-like addiction powers for this as I’ve had a change of heart about expanding our family.
Newborn Ali with all of her crack-like addiction powers :)
We. Are. Done (please insert Jarod doing the most absurd happy dance here).
The other month we had one of the most perfect-looking Trying To Conceive chart imaginable: BDing (baby dancing) was so spot on that I was convinced there was no way we couldn’t be pregnant, BBT (basal body temperature) elevated three days after my assumed ovulation day (again very perfect) and I even had a possible implantation dip and a very convincing triphasic temperature shift. Everything (in regards to baby-making) was incredibly PERFECT.
Then a few days before I would be considered “late” I began feeling like our family was "complete" and started wondering why I even wanted another one (other than the obvious cuteness); I have the perfect little babies and in such a great gender order too. And, although this is said so often that it seems redundant and cliche but they’re healthy and we’re really, really lucky for that.
Not to mention all of the crap and expenses that come along with them, college funds, a bigger house, clothes, cars, car insurance, allowances, makeup, shoes, sports equipment, iPhones, iPads, laptops, etc., etc., etc.
I love him so much <3
Plus, I miss my husband all the time. I see him everyday and we talk on almost all of his breaks but I miss uninterrupted quality time with him. I just miss him.
And I miss “me” time. I miss not having to choose between sleep and doing something merely because I enjoy it. I miss not feeling guilty about leaving my husband who works ridiculously long hours with three very young kids just to spend time with a girl friend for an hour or two. I miss the dream of that successful career-woman I’ve grown up aspiring to become.
There’s so many reasons that I can rationalize to why we’re done but honestly, none of that would really matter (to me) if I had that yearning to be a mother to another child. That “need” for another child is gone and I’m actually somewhat relieved it’s gone.
Buuut probably not as much as Jarod lol :)
<3 The Miller Family <3
We are done making babies and we are now The Millers, a (complete) happy family of five <3
Next month Jarod and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary and though I humbly know I have nowhere near the wisdom and knowledge a couple that has spent 57 years together, I think I know a thing or two on marriage. If I were to die tomorrow, these are the words I hope reach my children when they find that special person:
To my children,
First and foremost, don’t try to find a soul mate. Find yourself. Don’t rely on someone else to make you happy because that’s just a losing game; instead, seek someone to share your life with. No one can make you happy. You must learn to make your own happy ever after.
The reason “happily ever afters" start at the end of the movie is because no one wants to see that Prince Charming likes to watch TV with a beer in his hand and a remote in the other or the gorgeous and ridiculously-skinny woman he “saved” is about 50 pounds overweight from her colicky first-born son who won’t stop crying for the life of him. Life. Is. Nothing like the movies; it’s better.
Marry someone that reminds you of every love song ever written, someone you love so deeply it aches. Make positively sure it’s nothing less than this kind of love . . . because there will be times, regardless of how special and how different you think you two are, when it will become a chore to recall those exhilarating feelings of romance.
After a few days of dating (yes, I said days), your dad and I told each other we wanted to spend forever with one another. Although, we had no idea what that meant quite yet, that exaggeration of romance and love very early in our relationship is sometimes what I think got us through everything. We knew we had something so rare and special that we never wanted to lose it.
Marriage will absolutely be the one the hardest things you ever do but it is also one of the most rewarding blessings bestowed upon us and with that said: FIGHT LIKE HELL to stay married. Do whatever it takes to make things work. One of my favorite bits of advice I’ve heard about staying married is that sometimes staying married simply means: just staying. There will always be difficult moments in your life but committing to stay together when everything is falling apart makes the rainbow at the end of the rain so much more beautiful and magical.
There have been moments when I have without a doubt hated your father and have seriously considered leaving but I’m so thankful I never did. As I write this I have tears in my eyes and cringe at my inability to better explain in words how much I love your dad, our past and where we are today. I feel nothing but an overwhelming sense of gratitude that this is my life but none of it would have been mine if I walked out the doors when things got tough.
Also, take every single bit of advice about marriage and relationships and throw it all out the window (excluding mine, of course :) Every person is different so why wouldn't every marriage be??
Even though you probably think your dad and I are the funniest, most amazing, damn closest thing to perfect as possible, the truth is we’re not :) I know you’re shocked right now; it’s understandable :) My point is that neither one of us are perfect but together we work perfectly (after a few good years, of course). The advice to never go to bed mad never worked for us. When I get really, really upset it takes me about 6.75 hours to be able to let go and finally come to a point where I’m willing to reconcile. Your dad knows this . . . now. We used to “try to work it out” before we went to bed but it almost always ended up with each of us saying things we didn’t mean and the argument becoming worse than it began with.
I’ll be the first to admit it’s a bit ridiculous how long it takes me to let things go but it’s who I am. I’m a bit over-the-top, passionate and emotional/ sentimental; these are things you will hate and love about me as your father does but I hope you’ll find more of it to love than hate (just like your father).
Your dad finally came to understand and respect this aspect about me; although, it still annoys the hell out of him just as much as it annoys me that when a million things are going on at once (i.e. all three of you babies crying, something burning on the stove, someone knocking on the door, etc.) your dad completely stresses out to the point that I’d rather lock him in a closet and deal with everything myself then receive his “help.” We annoy each other but there’s so much more good than bad.
Respect your marriage and each other as individuals. Compromise as much as humanly possible but learn to appreciate your individualities and what makes the other person them.
In addition, to throwing out all the advice also throw out your expectations. Granted, keep all the obvious ones like being abused, infidelity, etc. Play this song often:
. . . and remember what love really means.
Nothing is ever perfect. I hope there are many moments in your life where you feel like it is but remember the only thing constant is change. Love is never perfect; it is what it is: disastrous, messy and beautiful.
Be kind. You won’t always be able to speak or act in kindness but try. Try really hard and don’t fight dirty. Another great advice about marriage that I really like is from Kevin Bacon, who has been married for over 20 years to Kyra Sedgwick, is to “keep the fights clean . . ."
Lastly, I hope each one of you finds a love that builds you up, forces you to grow, a love that remains in the face of adversity, a love that will wipe away your tears and pain and hold your hand throughout all that life has to offer. I hope so much for you each one of you but mostly, I hope you realize that this is the only kind of love worth living for and the only kind you deserve. I love you each with all of my heart.
Love,
Mommy
P.s. Here are a few of my absolutely favorite things about being married to your father:
