26 and Second Chances

I turn 26 tomorrow, which to this twenty-something girl marks a definitive age where thirty is officially closer than twenty. The simplicity of being a twenty-ish year old signifies youth, freedom and is, more often than not, generously given the compassionate acceptance of not truly knowing what the hell one is doing with one's life. On the other hand, thirty, which is synonyms with responsibilities, mortgages, careers and all that adult crap, is the complete opposite. Thirty seems much more set in stone. Where you are at thirty is almost always a definitive path of where you will be for the rest of your life and being closer to thirty than to twenty makes me feel like I need to get it together.

Granted, I have the vast majority of life figured out. I've met and have known a man's uncompromising love for almost eight years. Jarod and I are finally at a place in our relationship/ marriage where there is a peaceful ease in the way we work. We really know who we are apart from our relationship and exactly what it takes to be a really great couple. Mainly, because we have, most certainly, argued and have been forced to come to a compromise about every conceivable thing on this planet (but those are small, small details :)

I have three incredibly amazing and beautiful children with the prospect of a fourth little one in the near and dear future. My heart is absolutely full. (sigggh) Truly, my life feels amazing on so many fronts. I'm thankful for the friends I've been blessed to have. I love how we can go months without seeing each other (as we often do) and we can still talk and laugh like it's only been days since we've last seen each other. I'm thankful for my crazy (in a very endearing way :) family that each has their own lives but manages to always find time for one another. I love that my children are growing up with family that extends from Jarod and I (which is something I didn't have and have always wanted). And I really thankful for my mom - I love our relationship, our talks and the way we can read each other, often, without words. Forget pink tutus and pretty bows, our relationship is the real reason I wanted a daughter so bad.

There's so much I love about my life, so much to be thankful for. Life at 26 feels complete and filling.

I, also, really love who I am. When I think back to myself even just a few years ago, I'm so glad that the mess of a confusion is behind me. Even though I will forever attempt to look younger than I am (hello, wrinkle cream), I look forward to the peace of mind that comes with age. 26 feels really good. I'm certain 36 will be even better.

However, my one gripe about turning 26 is a little promise I made myself, a little dream of mine that I almost too embarrassed to write and most certainly, too embarrassed to say out loud. My little dream and promise I made to myself a little under two years ago was I would write a book by the time I turn 26. Unfortunately, I truly let my insecurities and all the possible and imaginable imperfections I might possess stifle any chance to get my written words down on paper. It frightens me so much that I've literally been frozen in fear.

I know, I know, I seriously need to get over myself. Thus, I've vowing to fight that asshole voice inside my head and simply, give myself a chance. A chance. It may be the most horribly scattered, poorly written book in the world. It may never see the light of day. It may be laughed at, scoffed at and looked down upon. And I'm finally okay with that because it's no longer just about a book; now it's about not disappointing myself, not giving up on me. Now it's about trying and giving myself and my little ol' dream - a chance.

So here's to turning 26 and second chances - cheers!!

romance in marriage

the world hushes it's hustle and bustle as i lay in our bed. almost eight years have swiftly passed through me and you - those years have changed us, taught us and humbled us. we have grown as much as we have grown our children for once there was two and now there are five. the inkling of a promise for us to be six, soothes a calm serenity through my soul. i always hoped this much love would grace my life and here it is, all of the love in the world. all of the love i need.

and while these thoughts fill my heart, you walk into the room. you smile at me and i smile at you. with the ease only those who have loved for years can know, you lay upon me. we embrace as your lips reach for mine. the warmth of your mouth slowly lingers down the arch of my neck beckoning for more. you move slowly down towards the aching heat of my chest. on darkened nights and years ago, this would have led to more but you slow your pace as our children play peacefully in the other room.

we embrace again. love fills us. love fills me.

with my heart full, i savor this moment and i yearn to remember it all.

seemly my thoughts silently transfer to yours because in a single second, you begin to hump my leg with the fierceness of a heated dog.

"you're ruining the moment," i say as i slap your arm as laughter excapes your immature self.

"Love, Love here we are." ~Pablo Neruda

I'm an A**hole Shopping Experience

Jarod sometimes gets these points from work, which he can then exchange for various items (we've gotten a camera and iPod music dock in the past) but this time, he took his points and got me a few gifts cards from Macy's for my Mother's Day gift. I was super excited to find the cards in the mail. We had just gotten home from lunch, so the kids were fed and it was almost time for the babies to take their nap. Before I could tell Jarod that I was going to go shopping by myself (which as a mom is equivalent to meditating, no joke) while the babies napped, Jarod, who has a very typical-guy mentality with shopping, very sweetly said, "okay, let's go."

In my head, I was like, "ehh, are you sure?" but at the same time, I feel like I never have enough time with him and as much as humanly possible, I want to spend all my time with him. So we headed to the mall and it became very apparent that we were crunching into the little ones' nap time. We have a double stroller so Ali and Tristen were in the stroller but we had to constantly be moving and pushing the stroller so Ali could fall/ stay asleep, otherwise you could very clearly hear her little baby complaints screams. Tristen was pissed that he was strapped in the stroller while Aiden was freely walking around and Aiden kept complaining he was tired and asking to be held. Basically, it was the very opposite of anything enjoyable. Fortunately, (for me) Jarod dealt with the kids all by himself without acting the least bit annoyed or tired or anything that may have made me want to leave.

I tried on a bunch clothes, mainly dresses. I liked a few of them but of course, he didn't like them because he's a guy and wants me wear clothes that accentuate my boobs and ass. I liked these dresses because they were loose, flowing and let's be honest here, I could let the gut hang out a bit. In typical girl fashion, I put them back and then I picked them back up again and I repeated that a few times. We both liked another dress that was girly and cute (for me) and did enough for him to get a bit of a boner. Win-win situation, right? But I just couldn't get over the fact that it was $90. Seriously?? First of all, it rains and is too cold like 90 percent of the time in this state so I would probably never wear the damn thing and two, the damn thing was 90 fucking dollars. Yes, I'm a cheap ass.

After what seemed like a half hour, maybe an hour, Jarod started complaining and saying that we should go home. I completely understand how frustrating dealing with three kids are, particularly when they're all tired but really, it was my mother fucking Mother's Day. I thought to myself, I deal with this shit every single day, seriously, give me one day! We didn't argue but I was annoyed and just kept pushing that I just wanted a little bit longer to shop.

We agreed to let me look for a few more minutes so I could try to find something for my mom but we were leaving right after that. At this point, I had two dresses, a shirt and a bunch of underwear for less than that crazy expensive dress. I immediately saw a North Face windbreaker and in less than 1.3 seconds decided to put everything else back and get the jacket. Jarod laughed and said next time we go shopping for me that we're just going to look at hoodies and jackets. Oops, what can I say? This girl loves hoodies.

Somehow I managed to sneak in one more store before we left and got my mom her Mother's Day gift. We made it back to the vehicle, loaded our grumpy kids, sat down and then I looked at the clock. Ohh my gawd, we had been shopping for over three hours! I'm such an asshole. I not only made my poor husband shop with me for over three hours but I, also, made him deal with three exhausted kids throughout the duration of their entire nap while I happily frolicked from clothes rack to clothes rack.

However, the upside of this experience is we both learned a lesson that day. I learned that I'm an ass and that maybe I need to return that North Face jacket and buy myself a watch because I, obviously, have no concept, whatsoever, of time and Jarod learned next year for Mother's Day, he should just throw a hooded sweatshirt and a clock (for "me") in a gift bag. And call it good.