Too Hard on Myself

Given my last post on Aiden’s basketball experience and upcoming preschool. I’ve noticed I’m exceptionally hard on myself in regards to motherhood. It broke my heart to think I failed him and that I wasn’t doing my job. Some days I wish I could take on Jarod’s laid-back mentality and just go more with the ebbs and flow of life.

Because the truth is Aiden is not a bad kid. He is not a bad person. Goodness, he’s not even four; we still have a lot of time to mold him into a outstanding man. Also, I know I can’t be a bad mother because I am whole-heartly trying the best I can. I hate that I was never given a handbook on raising children nor was I given a handbook on how to raise any one of our children . I’m literally hanging onto the seat of my chair, experimenting with various parenting techniques and hoping one works better than the other.

I’ve realized and need to be okay, and I mean, really, really okay, with the fact that I can’t do more for him because I’m doing the best I can. As a mother and as a woman, I feel like if something’s not working then it’s my fault and I just need to do more, just need to do better.

Thus, I’m vowing to stop being so hard on myself and accept myself as I accept my children. I don’t demand perfection from them nor should I of myself. I can’t give Aiden every single thing he wants and needs and so I’m letting go. I’m letting him go out into preschool, out into the world and apart from the place he’s known every second of his life: by my side. Off he goes to meet new people, share new experiences and learn from someone else I hope will care for him a fraction of how I care for him.

(Tears. Tears. Tears.)

Aging One Day at a Time

Baby me with my mom and my two older brothers in Colorado.

As I’ve aged these last twenty-five years and life has taught me a thing or two, I’ve also been graced with a greater calmness inside of me. Granted, I still crave the ease a youthful body once-provided me, the spontaneity and forgiveness a lack of responsibility entitled me and the ability to kiss, hug, cuddle and make love to my husband at any time of any given day.

Over the years, especially my early twenties, I’ve invented myself, reinvented myself, held an opinion as truth and changed that truth as quickly as swift as the passing of a hiccup. The biggest factor I’ve found in becoming who I want to be. A loving mother. A sweet wife. A caring friend. A loyal daughter. And the woman I admire. Is the gentle acceptance of knowing I don’t know a damn thing. I’d like to believe that it’s as easy to say as it is to do. Some days it pains me to not know everything. Some days I feel like a failure because I'm not quite sure how to discipline my children's individual needs. Some days I hate how, even after seven years of marriage, we still fight and sometimes it takes us hours to find some sort of compromise.

I’m slowly evolving and although, I am still far from truly becoming the woman I always hoped to be, I like the quiet ease that's coming over me. More often than not, I feel serene calmness moving forward in life accepting that there is much to learn. I vow to that I will take each day, one day at a time with an open-heart, a glimmer in my eye and the hand of the one I love while my sweet baby ducks waddle and squawk behind us.

The Moment I Was Yours

It was the summer of 2004. The first summer I tethered between unsolicited, protected youth and the free embrace of a new life; still youthful in its pristine, yet, gleaming in ambition and possibilities. It was the in-between of the last of high school and all of its adolescent possessions and it was the start of college and all its adult promises. It encumbered everything that one thinks of in youthful transition; it was beautiful and lovely.

And even more lovely and beautiful because I found you.

I showed up at your house that sunny, warm July afternoon and you smiled back at me in your white shirt. You came towards me as my heart fluttered and a small voice inside of me reminded me to breathe. You gently led my hand as you eagerly told me you wanted me to hear something. We sat in my new Honda Civic, intertwined our fingers and embraced our beating hearts. I rested my head on your shoulder as I savored the moment knowing full-well I wanted to always remember this exactly as it was. The music hummed loudly in the background, the beat vibrated against my body and the only voice I heard was yours, whispering these sweet, sweet promises into the innocence of my ear:

Lying here with you, listening to the rain.
Smiling just to see a smile upon your face.
And these are the moments I thank God I'm alive.
These are the moments I'll remember all my life.
I found all I've waited for and I could not ask for more.
Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need.
Everything you are is everything to me.
These are the moments I know heaven must exist.
These are the moments I know all I need is this.
I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more.

(Chorus)
I could not ask for more than this time together.
I could not ask for more that this time with you.
Every prayer has been answered and every dream that has come true.
Yeah, right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you, here with me.

And these are the moments I thank God that I'm alive.
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life.
I've got all I've waited for and I could not ask for more.

(Repeat Chorus)

I could not ask for more than the love you gave me cause it's all I've waited for.
And I could not ask for more . . .

And that baby, that was the moment I was yours <3

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