My Sweet Baby Carsen

Our little Carsen was born on March 15th, weighing in at 7 pounds and 6 ounces, and measuring an even 20 inches long. I am so in love and I can't get over how adorable he is and how amazing it is that he's here, in our lives, and oozing the love out of my heart. I feel like I'm falling in love for the first time every time I look at him. There's an indescribable over pour of emotion when you meet your child for the first time and each of our children have brought a newfound joy into our lives but there's something different with Carsen's birth and presence. I have a feeling it has everything to do with the knowledge that he is, in fact, our very last child and all of his firsts will inevitably be our last "firsts" as parents. The first time he smiles his toothless grin, the first time he takes those unsteady strides, the first time he says his first word, will all be even more bittersweet.

 

 

It, also, hits me a bit harder emotionally to think there once was a strong possibility that his existence almost never graced our lives. A little over a year ago, Jarod adamantly stated he could not and did not want another child; not only because of the amount of work needed to raise a child but also, the financial demands of such a large family. I always wanted a large family and four children just seemed like the perfect amount but when I came across Jarod's opposition to another, a small part of me shattered inside. I knew with impeccable clarity that not having a fourth child would always be my biggest regret but I, also, loved my husband and really like being married to him. We fought endlessly about it until I finally gave up and tried to rationalize the loss by acknowledging that three children is a blessing that I should be more than thankful for.

No one knows me better than Jarod and I think after the fumes of our fights had cooled, he saw the prospective regret that we both knew would remain in me years from now. So Carsen's presence forces upon me how blessed I truly am. Not only because I have the family I have always dreamt of with four amazing, gorgeous, and healthy kids but I have a man in my life that loves me the way I always hoped love would be like.

Carsen symbolizes more than the miracle of life; he embodies the extraordinary amount of love that surrounds me and is a living reminder of how blessed I am.

To My Jj: I Love You

The night is quiet, our children are asleep and I can hear the whisper of your breath deeply breathe. I feel as if there's so many words encapsulated inside the chaos of my soul that desperately yearn an escape. There are so many things I'd like to say to you to express how very much you mean to me, how grateful I am you're mine, how special I believe the connection we share is and how no matter the circumstance I always feel safe and happy - because, I have you. There is so much to say to you but my simple words fail me for when I'm happily wrapped in the haven of your arms all I can muster through the gap between my lips is a simple, "I love you."

I hope you know the weight of these three small and seemingly meager words. I hope you know they mean everything to me, just as you mean to me. You are my everything.

I love you.

New Year's Resolutions 2013

I don't necessarily have a "New Year's Resolution" but rather goals I'd like to strive for. At the very least, I'll improve and become a better person/ mom/ wife in the process. I've gotten to the point where I'm really happy with the fact that I do as much as I can; rather than perpetually believing I'm a failure because I'm not the perfect "Pinterest" mom who seems to have an infinite amount of time, money and energy. Hell, I think I'm doing a great job when I take two showers on two consecutive days, which happens to be one of my goals: showers on a daily basis. Goodness, that sounds so gross but I'm just trying to be real. So here are my 2013 goals:

NUTRITION/ HEALTH:
*Better portion control
*Workout 3X's a week
*Drink more water
*Eat 2 salads for dinner a week
*Eat a healthy breakfast

Baby Ali one day old.

My nutrition and health goals are subject to after baby Carsen's delivery and a few weeks of recovery. Some days I just feel like I'm starving and I'm going to eat without excuse because there is a child inside of me. Also, as for working out 3X's a week, I personally feel like I am working out 24/7 because I'm growing a human being inside of me so not hitting the gym is justifiable to me. However, I do need to drink more water. If given the choice between juice or soda over water, water almost always loses. As for incorporating salads into our weekly dinners, Jarod and I have already started doing that so that's no biggie. I need to start forcing myself to eat breakfast and a healthy one at that. I normally go until about 1pm before I eat anything and at that point I will eat whatever and I'm pretty bitchy at that point so some kind of healthy wheat cereal or oatmeal is a must.

KIDS:
*Do a daily craft
*Read at least three books daily
*Bake once a week with the kids

HUSBAND:
*Give weekly massage

SELF:
*Blog/ write once a week
*Take a daily shower
*Put on at least a little bit of makeup daily

Taking a daily shower is seriously one of the most embarrassing goals to admit but it's really a big one. I spend the majority of the day doing everything for everyone else and trying to play catch-up that my basic needs are neglected, clearly. Again, these are my "goals" to strive for because I know with four little ones to take of very soon, I should be content that I'll even get to see the inside of a bathroom all by myself. Along with showers, my goal is at least throw on some mascara and blush because most days there is absolutely nothing on this face except a worn-out expression but makeup makes me feel better about myself. I need to make more of an effort for myself and oh, yah, that guy called my husband. Also, this blog. Ohh, I've missed writing in here so much. I've been exhausted, busy and dealing with weird pregnancy anxiety/ depression that have caused me just to steer away from sharing my thoughts but thankful the anxiety/ depression is happening less and less these days. Another thing I need to let go of is my fear and embarrassment of grammatical errors and run-off sentences; I spend way too much time trying to perfect these blogs that it gets to the point that I just don't do them. Basically, I need to stop letting my distorted belief of perfection that prevents me from accomplishing anything.

FAMILY/ HOME:
*Print pictures every month
*Create weekly family videos
*Organize picture albums
*Create a daily/ weekly cleaning schedule

I take about 230 pictures daily but never print them out. I seriously don't have any pictures of Ali hanging up in our house (she's almost 18 months old!) except for the pictures we had done professionally and were printed out for us. So my goal is take small steps and print the current month's pictures and start organizing photo albums for the kids and our family and very, very slowly catch up on the last eight years of pictures that haven't been printed/ organized. I, also, haven't been recording any footage of my babies for the last six or so months and when I watch what little footage I have it makes me mad at myself because I've lost memories. It's really not that hard to whip out the camcorder for five minutes every week just to capture their little faces, expressions and personalities that are changing CONSTANTLY - this goal is MANDATORY.

Financial:
*Set $200 a month for gifts/ family
*Focus on paying debt off

Financially, 2012 was not the big pay-off debt year that I hoped it would be but some great steps we have made is not a single penny was added to our debt and we've continued to strive to never open any form of credit again. We have changed our mindset on debt and how we want to incorporate it into our lives, which is not at all. We've been making payments so at the least we have been paying off debt - no matter how small. Currently, we're focusing on saving money for Jarod to take two weeks off for baby Carsen, the boys' birthday party, which is in February and March, and after that we will continue our "paying debt off" journey.

So those are my goals and I know it's quite a list but there are a lot of things I'd like to improve on. I am realistic about my time and energy with the small football team residing in this household but as we get more into a routine and I find more and more time being freed up for myself and life, these are the goals I'd like to strive for.