TTC: Four Pregnancy Tests Later . . .

. . . annnd I'm definitely not pregnant. I took a pregnancy test on 8, 9, 10 and 12DPO (days past ovulation), which obviously means I have problems were all negative. You see, I found out I was pregnant with baby Ali 9DPO so I was hoping the same results would occur but the main difference between then and now is that I was pregnant then and now, well, I just wasted four perfectly good pregnancy tests - because I'm a POAS (pee on a stick addict) annnd I'm crazy annnd I'm stressing waaay too much about the possibility of being pregnant that I convinced myself I was.

Anyways, this morning my period came and a small part of me broke. It's funny that I've been down this road so many times and I know I shouldn't stress out because it will happen, when it happens. But knowing and doing are two completely different things, amiright? My boys crawled into our bed this morning and even though my little OCD Trissy kept complaining and kicking around because the pillow, the blanket, the sound of everyone else's breathing wasn't to his exact liking, I soaked in the warmth of their little bodies as they cuddled each side of me.

I have so much; I know I should really just focus on the positive aspects of my life. It's just difficult when you want to add to the beautiful life you already have. It's difficult when you can envision more happiness than you already have and more love than you already know. It's difficult when you want another child so badly . . . annnd then your damn period comes.

Frankly, it sucks . . . balls.

But life goes on and baby #4 will come whenever baby #4 comes <3

TTC: More Pregnancy Symptoms

I've noticed more, "guuurl, you is pregnant," symptoms. Honestly, I've done the TTC process enough times to know that sometimes "symptoms" you feel are just a product of something else, meaning even though you thought you were foo shoo pregnant - you're not. I'm going to feel a bit embarrassed if I'm not actually pregnant - but yet, I'm so sure that I feel pregnant. What I'm trying to say is pleeease, don't be a hater if I'm not.

Anyways, some of the symptoms I'm feeling on top of the other symptoms I wrote about the other day is excessive saliva (isn't that such an odd symptom??), vivid dreams (I hardly dream or remember them but the last two nights have been crazy, weird deep-sleeping dreams) as well as a sore throat (which makes sense because your immune system lowers it's defense system in order to allow the "virus"/ fetus/ foreign entity into your life uterus). I've, also, had some twinging and cramping in my lower abdomin, some pimple friends starting a party on the fore of my head and lately, napping has become my best friend.

But the biggest symptom is the bitchness that is ohh, so familar with pregnancy is occurring. We had spaghetti for dinner and when Aiden got up to bring his plate to the sink, I told him to leave it, that I would put it away and sort of, okay, I did, snap at Jarod about not helping him (fast enough) because I was frightened that he would drop the plate and all it's contents (seriously, he took, maybe, two bites) would fall on our lovely light tan carpet. For my defense, Aiden is super clumsy like walk into walls, I-had-no-idea-such-a-level-of-clumsiness-existed-before-this-child clumsy. Jarod looked at me and matter-of-factly said, "you are pregnant. You're snappy."

I almost hope I'm pregnant for that reason. I don't like being a bitch. I'm really a nice person, I promise. I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately. But I do know when I'm pregnant the things that would kind of annoy me, but I would let just slide off my back, start to annoy me like ten million times more. Every pregnancy has gotten progressively harder and more complicated for me (in the healthy, normal pregnancy of things spectrum) but I think me being pregnant is worse on Jarod than it is for me. Trust me, he's already dreading all my pregnancy symptoms with a passion. Thankfully, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel = baby's due date.

Hopefully, there's a little baby in my belly but if not, I think I need to invest in some aromotherpy candles and some yoga classes. Shesh.

TTC: TTW & Feeling Pregnant

I would say that I am for sure 3DPO but there's a very good chance that I'm 4DPO because I got a decent semi-positive OPK on Saturday and two very positive OPKs on Sunday. The dates aren't really a big deal to me, 3 or 4, whatever, but the reason that this might be crucial is because I am almost certain I'm pregnant. I know that it's "scientifically" impossible to feel pregnant at this point as implantation probably hasn't occurred at this point. Whateves.
I do agree that our minds can control the perception of how we feel. We can think ourselves sick and likewise, we can make ourselves feel something we want, like being pregnant. I get it; I completely understand the necessity of placebos in experiments. The mind is a powerful thing.

BUT I do think it's unfair to discredit the thousands of women on the internet that have known they were pregnant waaay earlier than the supposed earliest day to know. I remember when I was 5DPO with Ali and I was telling Jarod a story and I busted up crying like my childhood dog just died. No joke. Shocked, Jarod took one look at me and said, "You're pregnant," and I said, "I don't know what's wrong with me." I've truly have not been thinking about what I may or not be feeling in terms of a pregnancy but I've had a few symptoms that point to, "guuurl, you are friggin' pregnant."

My boobs ache, which I really don't pay much attention to because my boobs ache often and can be an effect from ovulation, the fact that I'm getting off of the Depo, impending period, blah, blah, blah. But I've fought with my husband twice in the last few days over dumb things. Duuumb things. The first one was about money. I was so mad at him but thankfully, quickly realized I was just being an ass and I apologized. Then the fight last night was about him being more romantic. Granted, I have a vagina; thus, I like romance but I, honestly, have not cared about "romantic" things in a looong time.

I know Jarod loves me the way the guys in every sappy, romantic love story loves a girl; I'm certain of that. I don't need flowers or Hallmark cards to denote the love he has for me but ohhh my gawd, last night I was crying so hard (like wiping snot on my shirt kind of ugly-cry) because he hasn't been romantic in a long time. WHAT?! is wrong with me? (It ended sweet and I'll write a separate post about that later.) After we made up, he fell asleep and I laid in bed and thought, "WTF. I'm really emotional - I think I'm pregnant." But I brushed that off with well, maybe I need more romance. Ehh. I can't complain with more romance in my life.

But today, I walked out of my bedroom and had the strongest whiff of dog poop in my face.

Are you serious?! I thought as I looked around, pissed at the dog that I just took out. I couldn't shake off the damn smell. I checked the garbage but Jarod had just emptied the garbage last night; no poop there. I searched a little longer and then realized I was smelling the poop on the other side of the sliding glass door. (We have a little garbage can that we keep outside for dog poop that we empty out when we take the garbage out. Don't judge us; we live in an apartment and we have three kids.) We've been doing the dog poop garbage system for a few weeks now and this was the first time I've ever smelt dog poop in our house because of it. Apparently, I have freak super hero smelling powers right now.

Who knows, though. I don't want to dwell on symptoms that may or may not point to me being pregnant. We'll get pregnant one of these days - it's not a big deal if it's not this time but the timing was perfect and I'm feeling a little different. A little pregnant.

TTC #3: Blessed Ovulation

Based on my OPK's as well as the horrible way I've been feeling today (back pain, nausea [I threw up once :/ ] and mittelschmerz), I'm quite positive I ovulated. Jarod and I had sex today, yesterday and the day before and will probably have sex tomorrow and the day after, just for extra measure. I know that we only have about 25% chances of getting pregnant this cycle but like I said before, I have a feeling that this cycle will be the cycle. But who knows. Maybe I'm just overly confident in our baby-making skills because we're been more than successful at it.

Morrre than successful.

I remember the month we seriously tried to conceive baby Ali, which also happened to be the month she was conceived (insert cocky son-of-a-bitch "I'ms the shit at conceiving" smirk here), I had the same ovulation symptoms. Backache like no other. Nausea. Slight pain in the lower abdominal. And a positive OPK to solidify my suspicions. We consummated our love and at about 9 DPO, we found out a little baby Aaliyanna was brewing in that little ol' uterus of mine.

I know from experience the biggest deterrent for not getting pregnant is being stressed. So it completely works in our favor that I'm ridiculously happy and content with life. I want this baby so much and I would love if we got pregnant this very instant. Please note: how much sex we're having lately because that is not an easy feat for parents of three, ages four and under - anyone who says otherwise is an absolute liar . . . or a hooker (not judging, though). But I'm, oddly enough, okay if this month isn't the month. I'm really okay with having to wait a few cycles. I'm absolutely okay with not getting what I want this very moment, which is, ohh my, so rare for me.

I'm just so happy right now. Trust me, I'm going to be over the moon when there's another little baby in me as I may or may not have literally jumped up and down at the very sight of a positive OPK test. But this contentment feels nice. After fighting a number of times with Jarod about the prospect of a fourth and finally coming to a sad but understandable sort of closure with babyhood, I feel so incredibly blessed that we're actually trying for another.

Sooo lucky to have this guy in my life <3

I think that's all for this TTC post - I just wanted to do a quick little update that I ovulated on CD (cycle day) 15 (Sunday, June 10th) and we're at it like rabbits in heat (TMI but you're reading a TTC post, whadya expect? :)

Please wish us luck and lots of baby dust!! <3 And maybe, a little vote ;)

Twenty-Six

Twenty-six years ago my mom was nine months pregnant, sitting in the hospital room attempting to aid the advice of the nurses, "keep her in," as they urged her the doctor would be there any minute. (Seriously though, who tells a pregnant woman in labor to, "wait,"?!) I had other plans as my head started crowning. (Also, who in the world tries to confine a Gemini?! ;)

The doctor barely made it to my grand entrance and at 9 in the evening, 6 pound 9 ounce, 18 inch little ol' me came out. Ultrasounds weren't as readily available back then so my gender was a complete surprise and delight as I completed the little family with two little boys.

Twenty-six years ago today, I was born. There's so much I look forward to and so much to be thankful for . . .

. . . like birthday cake :)

Yay!! for birthdays and having people who love you enough to celebrate them with you <3

26 and Second Chances

I turn 26 tomorrow, which to this twenty-something girl marks a definitive age where thirty is officially closer than twenty. The simplicity of being a twenty-ish year old signifies youth, freedom and is, more often than not, generously given the compassionate acceptance of not truly knowing what the hell one is doing with one's life. On the other hand, thirty, which is synonyms with responsibilities, mortgages, careers and all that adult crap, is the complete opposite. Thirty seems much more set in stone. Where you are at thirty is almost always a definitive path of where you will be for the rest of your life and being closer to thirty than to twenty makes me feel like I need to get it together.

Granted, I have the vast majority of life figured out. I've met and have known a man's uncompromising love for almost eight years. Jarod and I are finally at a place in our relationship/ marriage where there is a peaceful ease in the way we work. We really know who we are apart from our relationship and exactly what it takes to be a really great couple. Mainly, because we have, most certainly, argued and have been forced to come to a compromise about every conceivable thing on this planet (but those are small, small details :)

I have three incredibly amazing and beautiful children with the prospect of a fourth little one in the near and dear future. My heart is absolutely full. (sigggh) Truly, my life feels amazing on so many fronts. I'm thankful for the friends I've been blessed to have. I love how we can go months without seeing each other (as we often do) and we can still talk and laugh like it's only been days since we've last seen each other. I'm thankful for my crazy (in a very endearing way :) family that each has their own lives but manages to always find time for one another. I love that my children are growing up with family that extends from Jarod and I (which is something I didn't have and have always wanted). And I really thankful for my mom - I love our relationship, our talks and the way we can read each other, often, without words. Forget pink tutus and pretty bows, our relationship is the real reason I wanted a daughter so bad.

There's so much I love about my life, so much to be thankful for. Life at 26 feels complete and filling.

I, also, really love who I am. When I think back to myself even just a few years ago, I'm so glad that the mess of a confusion is behind me. Even though I will forever attempt to look younger than I am (hello, wrinkle cream), I look forward to the peace of mind that comes with age. 26 feels really good. I'm certain 36 will be even better.

However, my one gripe about turning 26 is a little promise I made myself, a little dream of mine that I almost too embarrassed to write and most certainly, too embarrassed to say out loud. My little dream and promise I made to myself a little under two years ago was I would write a book by the time I turn 26. Unfortunately, I truly let my insecurities and all the possible and imaginable imperfections I might possess stifle any chance to get my written words down on paper. It frightens me so much that I've literally been frozen in fear.

I know, I know, I seriously need to get over myself. Thus, I've vowing to fight that asshole voice inside my head and simply, give myself a chance. A chance. It may be the most horribly scattered, poorly written book in the world. It may never see the light of day. It may be laughed at, scoffed at and looked down upon. And I'm finally okay with that because it's no longer just about a book; now it's about not disappointing myself, not giving up on me. Now it's about trying and giving myself and my little ol' dream - a chance.

So here's to turning 26 and second chances - cheers!!

romance in marriage

the world hushes it's hustle and bustle as i lay in our bed. almost eight years have swiftly passed through me and you - those years have changed us, taught us and humbled us. we have grown as much as we have grown our children for once there was two and now there are five. the inkling of a promise for us to be six, soothes a calm serenity through my soul. i always hoped this much love would grace my life and here it is, all of the love in the world. all of the love i need.

and while these thoughts fill my heart, you walk into the room. you smile at me and i smile at you. with the ease only those who have loved for years can know, you lay upon me. we embrace as your lips reach for mine. the warmth of your mouth slowly lingers down the arch of my neck beckoning for more. you move slowly down towards the aching heat of my chest. on darkened nights and years ago, this would have led to more but you slow your pace as our children play peacefully in the other room.

we embrace again. love fills us. love fills me.

with my heart full, i savor this moment and i yearn to remember it all.

seemly my thoughts silently transfer to yours because in a single second, you begin to hump my leg with the fierceness of a heated dog.

"you're ruining the moment," i say as i slap your arm as laughter excapes your immature self.

"Love, Love here we are." ~Pablo Neruda

I'm an A**hole Shopping Experience

Jarod sometimes gets these points from work, which he can then exchange for various items (we've gotten a camera and iPod music dock in the past) but this time, he took his points and got me a few gifts cards from Macy's for my Mother's Day gift. I was super excited to find the cards in the mail. We had just gotten home from lunch, so the kids were fed and it was almost time for the babies to take their nap. Before I could tell Jarod that I was going to go shopping by myself (which as a mom is equivalent to meditating, no joke) while the babies napped, Jarod, who has a very typical-guy mentality with shopping, very sweetly said, "okay, let's go."

In my head, I was like, "ehh, are you sure?" but at the same time, I feel like I never have enough time with him and as much as humanly possible, I want to spend all my time with him. So we headed to the mall and it became very apparent that we were crunching into the little ones' nap time. We have a double stroller so Ali and Tristen were in the stroller but we had to constantly be moving and pushing the stroller so Ali could fall/ stay asleep, otherwise you could very clearly hear her little baby complaints screams. Tristen was pissed that he was strapped in the stroller while Aiden was freely walking around and Aiden kept complaining he was tired and asking to be held. Basically, it was the very opposite of anything enjoyable. Fortunately, (for me) Jarod dealt with the kids all by himself without acting the least bit annoyed or tired or anything that may have made me want to leave.

I tried on a bunch clothes, mainly dresses. I liked a few of them but of course, he didn't like them because he's a guy and wants me wear clothes that accentuate my boobs and ass. I liked these dresses because they were loose, flowing and let's be honest here, I could let the gut hang out a bit. In typical girl fashion, I put them back and then I picked them back up again and I repeated that a few times. We both liked another dress that was girly and cute (for me) and did enough for him to get a bit of a boner. Win-win situation, right? But I just couldn't get over the fact that it was $90. Seriously?? First of all, it rains and is too cold like 90 percent of the time in this state so I would probably never wear the damn thing and two, the damn thing was 90 fucking dollars. Yes, I'm a cheap ass.

After what seemed like a half hour, maybe an hour, Jarod started complaining and saying that we should go home. I completely understand how frustrating dealing with three kids are, particularly when they're all tired but really, it was my mother fucking Mother's Day. I thought to myself, I deal with this shit every single day, seriously, give me one day! We didn't argue but I was annoyed and just kept pushing that I just wanted a little bit longer to shop.

We agreed to let me look for a few more minutes so I could try to find something for my mom but we were leaving right after that. At this point, I had two dresses, a shirt and a bunch of underwear for less than that crazy expensive dress. I immediately saw a North Face windbreaker and in less than 1.3 seconds decided to put everything else back and get the jacket. Jarod laughed and said next time we go shopping for me that we're just going to look at hoodies and jackets. Oops, what can I say? This girl loves hoodies.

Somehow I managed to sneak in one more store before we left and got my mom her Mother's Day gift. We made it back to the vehicle, loaded our grumpy kids, sat down and then I looked at the clock. Ohh my gawd, we had been shopping for over three hours! I'm such an asshole. I not only made my poor husband shop with me for over three hours but I, also, made him deal with three exhausted kids throughout the duration of their entire nap while I happily frolicked from clothes rack to clothes rack.

However, the upside of this experience is we both learned a lesson that day. I learned that I'm an ass and that maybe I need to return that North Face jacket and buy myself a watch because I, obviously, have no concept, whatsoever, of time and Jarod learned next year for Mother's Day, he should just throw a hooded sweatshirt and a clock (for "me") in a gift bag. And call it good.