TTC: Pregnancy Test & Impatience

I know I said I wasn't going to test and I was too exhausted to even pee on a stick. Well, let's just say the antibiotics are working wonderfully and I'm back to my old neurotic, impatient self. I waited anxiously for the results to stream through. I held the test up towards the light, tilting it to left and then to the right.

I see a line!! I see a line!

. . .

No, that's not a line.

Damn.

I know it may be too early to get an accurate result but I feel fairly certain that if it's not positive now that it just isn't going to be a positive this cycle. I told Jarod the results shortly after taking the test. He didn't understand my disappointment and wondered by I was so adamant about being pregnant ASAP.

"Don't you want to be a stay-at-home-mom forever?" he teased, as we have agreed that I will start working when our youngest enters the 1st grade and just for that, I really should just conveniently wait to have our fourth in, give or take, 17 years.

But he really did get me thinking about my incessant need to control the spacing of our children. Obviously, I would like to have another child for my own benefit (on some level) but my strongest advocate for having a fourth is Ali. Aiden and Tristen are so close that I fear she'll forever be the third wheel. I understand the enormous possibility that baby number four will be a little boy (honestly, I still can't believe Ali is a girl) but I'd like to give her a chance to have a sister and even if a sister isn't in the cards, having a little brother to even things out would be just as wonderful.

The fact is Ali will love her little brother or sister, regardless if they are two years or three years apart. I would prefer if they're age-gap was closer than not but I can't control that. Truly. And it feels really good to let go.

Jarod and I will continue to TTC every month, hoping for the best but ultimately, I'm letting go . . .