TTC: Four Pregnancy Tests Later . . .

. . . annnd I'm definitely not pregnant. I took a pregnancy test on 8, 9, 10 and 12DPO (days past ovulation), which obviously means I have problems were all negative. You see, I found out I was pregnant with baby Ali 9DPO so I was hoping the same results would occur but the main difference between then and now is that I was pregnant then and now, well, I just wasted four perfectly good pregnancy tests - because I'm a POAS (pee on a stick addict) annnd I'm crazy annnd I'm stressing waaay too much about the possibility of being pregnant that I convinced myself I was.

Anyways, this morning my period came and a small part of me broke. It's funny that I've been down this road so many times and I know I shouldn't stress out because it will happen, when it happens. But knowing and doing are two completely different things, amiright? My boys crawled into our bed this morning and even though my little OCD Trissy kept complaining and kicking around because the pillow, the blanket, the sound of everyone else's breathing wasn't to his exact liking, I soaked in the warmth of their little bodies as they cuddled each side of me.

I have so much; I know I should really just focus on the positive aspects of my life. It's just difficult when you want to add to the beautiful life you already have. It's difficult when you can envision more happiness than you already have and more love than you already know. It's difficult when you want another child so badly . . . annnd then your damn period comes.

Frankly, it sucks . . . balls.

But life goes on and baby #4 will come whenever baby #4 comes <3

TTC: More Pregnancy Symptoms

I've noticed more, "guuurl, you is pregnant," symptoms. Honestly, I've done the TTC process enough times to know that sometimes "symptoms" you feel are just a product of something else, meaning even though you thought you were foo shoo pregnant - you're not. I'm going to feel a bit embarrassed if I'm not actually pregnant - but yet, I'm so sure that I feel pregnant. What I'm trying to say is pleeease, don't be a hater if I'm not.

Anyways, some of the symptoms I'm feeling on top of the other symptoms I wrote about the other day is excessive saliva (isn't that such an odd symptom??), vivid dreams (I hardly dream or remember them but the last two nights have been crazy, weird deep-sleeping dreams) as well as a sore throat (which makes sense because your immune system lowers it's defense system in order to allow the "virus"/ fetus/ foreign entity into your life uterus). I've, also, had some twinging and cramping in my lower abdomin, some pimple friends starting a party on the fore of my head and lately, napping has become my best friend.

But the biggest symptom is the bitchness that is ohh, so familar with pregnancy is occurring. We had spaghetti for dinner and when Aiden got up to bring his plate to the sink, I told him to leave it, that I would put it away and sort of, okay, I did, snap at Jarod about not helping him (fast enough) because I was frightened that he would drop the plate and all it's contents (seriously, he took, maybe, two bites) would fall on our lovely light tan carpet. For my defense, Aiden is super clumsy like walk into walls, I-had-no-idea-such-a-level-of-clumsiness-existed-before-this-child clumsy. Jarod looked at me and matter-of-factly said, "you are pregnant. You're snappy."

I almost hope I'm pregnant for that reason. I don't like being a bitch. I'm really a nice person, I promise. I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately. But I do know when I'm pregnant the things that would kind of annoy me, but I would let just slide off my back, start to annoy me like ten million times more. Every pregnancy has gotten progressively harder and more complicated for me (in the healthy, normal pregnancy of things spectrum) but I think me being pregnant is worse on Jarod than it is for me. Trust me, he's already dreading all my pregnancy symptoms with a passion. Thankfully, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel = baby's due date.

Hopefully, there's a little baby in my belly but if not, I think I need to invest in some aromotherpy candles and some yoga classes. Shesh.

TTC: TTW & Feeling Pregnant

I would say that I am for sure 3DPO but there's a very good chance that I'm 4DPO because I got a decent semi-positive OPK on Saturday and two very positive OPKs on Sunday. The dates aren't really a big deal to me, 3 or 4, whatever, but the reason that this might be crucial is because I am almost certain I'm pregnant. I know that it's "scientifically" impossible to feel pregnant at this point as implantation probably hasn't occurred at this point. Whateves.
I do agree that our minds can control the perception of how we feel. We can think ourselves sick and likewise, we can make ourselves feel something we want, like being pregnant. I get it; I completely understand the necessity of placebos in experiments. The mind is a powerful thing.

BUT I do think it's unfair to discredit the thousands of women on the internet that have known they were pregnant waaay earlier than the supposed earliest day to know. I remember when I was 5DPO with Ali and I was telling Jarod a story and I busted up crying like my childhood dog just died. No joke. Shocked, Jarod took one look at me and said, "You're pregnant," and I said, "I don't know what's wrong with me." I've truly have not been thinking about what I may or not be feeling in terms of a pregnancy but I've had a few symptoms that point to, "guuurl, you are friggin' pregnant."

My boobs ache, which I really don't pay much attention to because my boobs ache often and can be an effect from ovulation, the fact that I'm getting off of the Depo, impending period, blah, blah, blah. But I've fought with my husband twice in the last few days over dumb things. Duuumb things. The first one was about money. I was so mad at him but thankfully, quickly realized I was just being an ass and I apologized. Then the fight last night was about him being more romantic. Granted, I have a vagina; thus, I like romance but I, honestly, have not cared about "romantic" things in a looong time.

I know Jarod loves me the way the guys in every sappy, romantic love story loves a girl; I'm certain of that. I don't need flowers or Hallmark cards to denote the love he has for me but ohhh my gawd, last night I was crying so hard (like wiping snot on my shirt kind of ugly-cry) because he hasn't been romantic in a long time. WHAT?! is wrong with me? (It ended sweet and I'll write a separate post about that later.) After we made up, he fell asleep and I laid in bed and thought, "WTF. I'm really emotional - I think I'm pregnant." But I brushed that off with well, maybe I need more romance. Ehh. I can't complain with more romance in my life.

But today, I walked out of my bedroom and had the strongest whiff of dog poop in my face.

Are you serious?! I thought as I looked around, pissed at the dog that I just took out. I couldn't shake off the damn smell. I checked the garbage but Jarod had just emptied the garbage last night; no poop there. I searched a little longer and then realized I was smelling the poop on the other side of the sliding glass door. (We have a little garbage can that we keep outside for dog poop that we empty out when we take the garbage out. Don't judge us; we live in an apartment and we have three kids.) We've been doing the dog poop garbage system for a few weeks now and this was the first time I've ever smelt dog poop in our house because of it. Apparently, I have freak super hero smelling powers right now.

Who knows, though. I don't want to dwell on symptoms that may or may not point to me being pregnant. We'll get pregnant one of these days - it's not a big deal if it's not this time but the timing was perfect and I'm feeling a little different. A little pregnant.