Ten Things You (Shamelessly) Do as a Parent

1) You use words like ‘”owie” and terms like “uhh ohh” . . . on accident . . . when you talk to your twenty-something friends. “Uhh ohh, you got an owie.” WTF. Did that really just come out of my mouth?!

2) You find yourself singing songs from your kids favorite shows . . . when you’re by yourself. “There’s a party in my tummy! So yummy! So yummy!” Annnd then you realize you’re getting dumber and dumber with every child you have.

3) You leave the house with three kids all by yourself, each dressed, happy and ready to go, on time, actually, even a bit early to your appointment!! Yay! You beam with pride, three kids under the age of four, no problem! you think to yourself . . . until you realize you forgot to brush your teeth. Damn.

4) You're well aware of the lack of nutrition, the poor eating habits that you're instilling into your children and the fact that fast food restaurants uses a mixture in their chicken nuggets that they now claim has “real chicken” in it. Wait, what do you mean "real chicken"?? What were they using before?? But, still, through the drive-thru you go because sitting down at a restaurant with kids has become your own personal hell.

5) Buying milk, eggs and bread brings your more personal peace and tranquility than you ever imagined. Of course, that is ONLY if you were able to leave the kids at home with daddy.

6) When someone offers to watch your kids, you thank them mercifully and then look at them with concern, “are you sure?!” and when they kindly tell you, “yes, go have a good time,” you contemplate just going home and taking a nap. Hey, you're still “sleeping together,” right?

7) Occasionally Quite often you step in something cold and wet, consider the possibilities: cat pee, a child’s pee, spilled water, juice or milk, spit, throw-up and instead of investigating, you just really don’t want to know. You clean it up without complaint because this new low has now become your life and you have slowly come to terms with it.

8) You tell your kids to, "wait, just one moment," because you're busy and need to pay the bills, check your facebook, tweet, make a doctor's appointment, pin on pinterest, play words with friends and tend to other very important adult matters.

9) You selflessly give everything, your time, money and love, to your wonderful, adorable children but sometimes when you find out you only have one cookie left, you look them straight into their innocent, trusting, big beautiful eyes and tell them, "sorry, kiddo, we're all out," and when they turn with their shoulders shriveled in disappointment, you eat that bitch as fast as you can.

10) When you're alone, you roll down the street in your family SUV or minivan with decal stickers displaying each adorable member in your little family, possibly even the family cat or dog, and you blast the most derogatory, inappropriate music (that you hope your children's innocent, pure ears never, ever hear) because you can't stand family-friendly or preschool fun-time music anymore, you'se a fine motherfucker, won't you back that ass up, call me big daddy when you back that ass up, hoe, who is you playing . . .

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