Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My Sweet Baby Carsen

Our little Carsen was born on March 15th, weighing in at 7 pounds and 6 ounces, and measuring an even 20 inches long. I am so in love and I can't get over how adorable he is and how amazing it is that he's here, in our lives, and oozing the love out of my heart. I feel like I'm falling in love for the first time every time I look at him. There's an indescribable over pour of emotion when you meet your child for the first time and each of our children have brought a newfound joy into our lives but there's something different with Carsen's birth and presence. I have a feeling it has everything to do with the knowledge that he is, in fact, our very last child and all of his firsts will inevitably be our last "firsts" as parents. The first time he smiles his toothless grin, the first time he takes those unsteady strides, the first time he says his first word, will all be even more bittersweet.

It, also, hits me a bit harder emotionally to think there once was a strong possibility that his existence almost never graced our lives. A little over a year ago, Jarod adamantly stated he could not and did not want another child; not only because of the amount of work needed to raise a child but also, the financial demands of such a large family. I always wanted a large family and four children just seemed like the perfect amount but when I came across Jarod's opposition to another, a small part of me shattered inside. I knew with impeccable clarity that not having a fourth child would always be my biggest regret but I, also, loved my husband and really like being married to him. We fought endlessly about it until I finally gave up and tried to rationalize the loss by acknowledging that three children is a blessing that I should be more than thankful for.

No one knows me better than Jarod and I think after the fumes of our fights had cooled, he saw the prospective regret that we both knew would remain in me years from now. So Carsen's presence forces upon me how blessed I truly am. Not only because I have the family I have always dreamt of with four amazing, gorgeous, and healthy kids but I have a man in my life that loves me the way I always hoped love would be like.

Carsen symbolizes more than the miracle of life; he embodies the extraordinary amount of love that surrounds me and is a living reminder of how blessed I am.