Thursday, August 9, 2012

6 Weeks Pregnant: Depression Update

Since my last post, I feel a million times better. I wrote my last post the night I started my anti-depressant medications and they hadn't quite fully kicked in yet. But these days, I feel like myself again. Happy. Content. Grateful.

There hasn't been any new symptoms but I'm tired as heck. I am exhausted by 9pm (this from a girl who normally goes to bed at midnight or 1am) but instead of sleeping, like I should, I force myself to stay up because "my time" is much too sacred to me.

Also, the gravity of having four children has recently hit me. My days are busy and they're going to become much, much busier. I have a tendency to romanticize life and the thought of having four sounds absolutely wonderful but since this little bean miraculously decided to join us, I've really been thinking about how insane it's going to get. We've got a few months and maybe by then, Aiden will start pitching in more?! HA HA! Right :) But one thing that will lessen the load a bit is Aiden will start Kindergarten six months after the baby is born. Thus, by the time I finally figure out the whole "Mommy of Four" thing, life will get a little bit easier. Thank goodness.

I expect life to turn completely upside down and to be honest, a bit of hell (aka four kids screaming at me at once - yikes!!) some days but I'm still deliriously happy and I finally feel such a completion in our family. It's pretty amazing.

As far as weight, I'm started actually eating again, so "yay" there. I put back on the two pounds and am now sitting at 140. I'm trying to stay healthy. The recommended weight gain in the first trimester is 4 pounds, which means I should at least try to stay away from ice cream more often. Notice I didn't say "stay away," but rather, "try" because at this point, this preggo can't make any promises.

I have a pretty strong feeling that this is a boy but I, also, don't have the best history with the whole "mother's intuition" in regards to pregnancy and gender. So we'll see! I think that's all for now! :)



Friday, August 3, 2012

6 Weeks Pregnant: Depression

I've never been one of those woman with whom "pregnancy agrees with." It's always been a b*tch to me and I think it's actually quite spectacular how a mother's love for a child can trick make a woman forget overshadow the sacrifices a woman willingly makes in their right mind in order to love someone they've never even met.

I knew how crappy I was going to feel. I remembered how much I couldn't wait to not be. pregnant. anymore. But, still . . . here I am. This week is where I officially got my ass handed to me. I'm exhausted all the time and I so desperately want a nap every and any afternoon but we all know a girl can't always get what she wants, especially a girl with three kids. I've been nauseous quite a bit but have only thrown up two times, which is actually a new low record for me.

I know you're probably thinking that that doesn't sound too bad. Well, the worst is the onset of depression. I had the very same thing happen in my last pregnancy with Ali; thus, I prepared myself mentally for the possibility of it returning and told myself ahead of time that I would be more proactive about it. Last time this happened, I was so incredibly against taking medications because I felt so strongly that I could fight this disease mentally. Thankfully, the depression subsided in the beginning of my second trimester so I didn't have to struggle for very long but it wasn't until it had passed that I realized how terrible it truly was.

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and quite sad about myself, my life, my expectations of myself as a mother and a wife. I feel terrible about myself and can't help but hear the word, "failure," when I think of my life. But the crazy thing is simultaneously, I know I'm not a failure, my life is great, I love my kids, I love my husband and at this point in my life, I would never want to replace money and a career for the time I get to spend with my children but yet, the word lingers.

I have no history of depression outside of these hormonal pregnancy changes so this hormonal depression thing is especially crazy to me. This battle is such a strange thing because it's almost like a war with my former happy self and a seeping depression chemical in my brain. I just want to feel like myself again. Unfortunately, the medication helps but it doesn't restore me back to my true self.

I am glad that there will be a definitive end date to these feelings aka my due date and I'm hoping in my second trimester to waver off these medications. If my last pregnancy was any indication, I believe my body is just overwhelmed with the influx of hormones but once the placenta takes over then things will calm down a bit.

Also, since I've had a history of miscarriages (I've had two) and had one pregnancy with low progesterone levels (Tristen), I went in to test my progesterone levels. The doctor likes to see the levels around 20 and mine was at 9.5. I got a bit freaked out because low progesterone levels coincide with miscarriages but I calmed myself down enough to get listen to the nurse ask me if I was okay with inserting the pills vaginally as it would be more effective. Ehh, what?!? Last time, I took these pills I was able to do so orally and now I get to insert things into my vag. Oh, lovely day.

Thus, I am now taking two prenatal pills, Sertraline (for my depression) and I'm inserting Prometrium up my vajajay. So far, I'm doing great (insert loud, screaming sarcasm here). Also, the week before I found out I was pregnant I gained five pounds because I'm certain I'm the only one in the planet that gains weight when sick but I have since lost that plus two pounds. I'm certainly not trying to lose any weight but I have absolutely no appetite and have to force myself to eat. I'm not sure if it's a side effect of the medications I'm taking or a side effect of the depression.

All in all, the hormones in week five are completely kicking my ass. I know I sound like the biggest bundle of sunshine right now but I really am happy about this baby. I know the outcome of all this mess will be more than worth it and I can't wait to meet my little bean.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

5 Weeks Pregnant

It still feels a little unreal that I'm actually pregnant. The pregnancy test still says I am and yet, it still hasn't fully processed in my head. I've definitely had symptoms indicating I am, which include fatigue, breast tenderness, pregnancy insomnia and nausea. But the symptoms aren't fully kicking my butt yet and maybe that's why I don't necessarily "feel" pregnant." My last pregnancy kicked my a**, physically and mentally, so bad that I was certain I would never do it again. HA! Funny how holding your baby in your arms somehow makes you denounces the existence of any pain that your sweet, precious little baby ever caused you.

I know it's still early and I anticipate feeling so horrible but so far, I'm feeling pretty great. I don't feel 100% but I think since I have such low expectations of feeling "wonderful" during another pregnancy I'm just happy that I'm not curled in bed crying from depression or pain.

Also, I feel like I hit the jackpot with having this baby inside me. Getting pregnant and having Jarod on board with our three other children was a breeze but getting him get on board to have a fourth was such a struggle. His biggest concern with a fourth was the finances to which I completely understand; thus, part of our agreement to have a fourth was I have to start working when this baby starts 1st grade and we're getting permanent means of birth control. I'm getting my tubes tied right after this baby's birth.

I so incredibly happy to have another baby. I just want to savor this pregnancy because I know how fast it's going to go by. I scheduled my first visit with my doctor for August 28, 2012 and hopefully we'll get to see the little peanut and a sweet, healthy little heartbeat.

My worries are bigger with this pregnancy than they've been before with the other three. Maybe it's age or it's seeing other people with children with disabilities that has changed my perspective. I'm lucky. Really, really lucky I have three healthy children so this time around I'm trying to do everything right. I'm more diligent about prenatal pills, I've cut out caffeine (well, about 95% less than before) and I'm making it a point to eat things that are good for the baby. I desperately want this baby to happy and healthy.