Tuesday, January 27, 2015

the struggle of marriage

How does one even begin to explain what ten years of marriage with you looks like? I've been the happiest I've ever been - with you. I've felt moments I knew, even in the millisecond that time was unraveling, would forever be etched in my heart as the reason life exists. We've celebrated birthdays, holidays, milestones in our "adult life," and the indescribable joy that comes from bringing home a new baby created from our love with one another ... a wondrous four times.

There have been countless amazing moments.

But ten years of marriage, ten years of life, is not always amazing.

I have felt utter dislike for you - as I know with certainty you have felt for me. I can easily recall the time when your mother absolutely hated me and my father loathed to even look at you. I remember when we were painfully confused between being kids versus adults, our parent's children versus each other's spouses, and between remaining innocently happy versus jaded by the harsh coldness of life.

There has been an undeniably amount of pain and struggle.

I can look back and see the moments we could have easily walked away from each other, walked away from our faults, and our struggles. I have an intimate understanding of just how delicate relationships are and how easily they can unravel.

Life is hard and marriage is even harder.

But, loving you, has been the easiest thing I've ever done. It's not terribly difficult to love someone who is kind, thoughtful, selfless, intelligent, funny, hard-working, and good-looking.

You ... have made difficult moments, such as miscarrying our first baby, saying good-bye to my Lola, countless weeks in the hospital (for Lola and our nephew), and when people and life were just too much for me, a little more bearable.

Our life together has never been comfortably easy. We've been thrown a few curveballs and sometimes our reaction is to unjustifiably to take it out on one another. "Hangry" has absolutely no comparison to the level of stress and exhaustion that our lives sometimes affords.

When I think of ten years of marriage with you, I vividly remember all the hardships we've gone through. But when I see you, and even when I just think of us, I can see the growth and strength that only emerges from struggle. When I think of ten years of marriage with you, I see you and me fighting for us, for each other, and for our love.

I love you, Jj.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015


I've grown as a person in so many ways this past year. I know how clique that sounds in so many ways but it's true. 2013 me would have never imagined this new 2015 me. At. All.

As much as I was growing as a person of faith and furthering a very real, authentic relationship with Jesus, I couldn't grasp a solid foundation of who I was because my foundation was evolving and changing.

Putting yourself out there, in any aspect, such as a job interview, meeting someone new for the first time, a first date, and blogging takes a lot of courage. Honestly, I feel like I wasn't ready to expose all of who I am because I wasn't quite sure who all I am entailed.

Yes, I'm different. There's a gratitude inside of me that failed to exist before. There's a relationship that I put above everyone and everything else now.

But I'm happily still me.

I'm not perfect and I have many, many faults.

But I do like my own authenticity. I like the messy parts of me just as much as the "perfect" parts. I like that I'm slightly neurotic. I'm positive I have a slight undiagnosed case of OCD. I will shove bags upon bags of dirty laundry in the closet when company comes over but I'll expose my messiness and faults on the internet for the world to see.

I love ridiculously, cheesy (annoying) "Hallmark moments" and believe life ceases to exist without them. Yet, when someone acknowledges the real, messy parts of life and parenthood unapologetically, I can't help think 1) I'm not alone, 2) somebody really gets me, and 3) why aren't me and this person BFFs?!

As much as Jesus has changed my soul, I'm still human. I desire to be more and more Christ-like. Period.

But I'm will never be that perfect and this is my open-for-the-world-to-see journal. I'm here to give blogging another go with this new identity ;)