Aiden starts school in less than three months and I'm feeling all kinds of emotions. I'm excited. Four kids, aged five and under, all day, errryday kicks. my. butt. I'm happy. I know how much he's going to love school. I'm grateful; being apart of all these milestones in his young, little life is an absolute privilege.
But yet, there's a part of me that aches with sadness.
I want so much for Aiden. I hope one day he finds a kind person to love as much as I love his father. I hope he finds life-long friends that become just like family. I hope he finds true happiness in this world.
I'm certain my hopes and dreams for him require a footprint or two outside the safety of these four little walls but yet, the thought of him leaving, even in small doses and in a highly-supervised environment induces an aching in my heart.
I have no idea how five years can go by so fast. My mind's sense of time can easily swap the birth of our children around and instead of believing we brought home our fourth baby, Carsen, from the hospital three months ago, sometimes it feels like it really is just our first-born baby. Sometimes it seems incomprehensible that life can forge forward and grace us with four children in five years when it feels like only days have passed since we first found out we were pregnant with Aiden.
Five years, I'm certain, will easily be swapped out for eighteen and then for twenty-five and so forth. The aching inside me has everything to do with my mind's impeccable ability to foresee the speed of which the future persists and the realization that these beautiful little children of mine will grow to have a life of their own - apart from my own.
The irony of motherhood is we are freely given a beautiful little person who instantaneously shows us how pure and amazing love truly is while knowing full-well that we must, also, slowly learn to love quietly from afar.
In just a few short weeks, Aiden's life will no longer consist of the constant presence of his mother nor will I no longer know every person and every relationship that takes place in his life. I can no longer protect him from all that ails this world. I can only give him the chance to a beautiful life by releasing that oh-so-familiar little hand I've had by my side all these years.
So, this is me, slowly learning to let go and love that sweet boy of mine from afar.