I knew how crappy I was going to feel. I remembered how much I couldn't wait to not be. pregnant. anymore. But, still . . . here I am. This week is where I officially got my ass handed to me. I'm exhausted all the time and I so desperately want a nap every and any afternoon but we all know a girl can't always get what she wants, especially a girl with three kids. I've been nauseous quite a bit but have only thrown up two times, which is actually a new low record for me.
I know you're probably thinking that that doesn't sound too bad. Well, the worst is the onset of depression. I had the very same thing happen in my last pregnancy with Ali; thus, I prepared myself mentally for the possibility of it returning and told myself ahead of time that I would be more proactive about it. Last time this happened, I was so incredibly against taking medications because I felt so strongly that I could fight this disease mentally. Thankfully, the depression subsided in the beginning of my second trimester so I didn't have to struggle for very long but it wasn't until it had passed that I realized how terrible it truly was.
Lately, I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and quite sad about myself, my life, my expectations of myself as a mother and a wife. I feel terrible about myself and can't help but hear the word, "failure," when I think of my life. But the crazy thing is simultaneously, I know I'm not a failure, my life is great, I love my kids, I love my husband and at this point in my life, I would never want to replace money and a career for the time I get to spend with my children but yet, the word lingers.
I have no history of depression outside of these hormonal pregnancy changes so this hormonal depression thing is especially crazy to me. This battle is such a strange thing because it's almost like a war with my former happy self and a seeping depression chemical in my brain. I just want to feel like myself again. Unfortunately, the medication helps but it doesn't restore me back to my true self.
I am glad that there will be a definitive end date to these feelings aka my due date and I'm hoping in my second trimester to waver off these medications. If my last pregnancy was any indication, I believe my body is just overwhelmed with the influx of hormones but once the placenta takes over then things will calm down a bit.
Also, since I've had a history of miscarriages (I've had two) and had one pregnancy with low progesterone levels (Tristen), I went in to test my progesterone levels. The doctor likes to see the levels around 20 and mine was at 9.5. I got a bit freaked out because low progesterone levels coincide with miscarriages but I calmed myself down enough to get listen to the nurse ask me if I was okay with inserting the pills vaginally as it would be more effective. Ehh, what?!? Last time, I took these pills I was able to do so orally and now I get to insert things into my vag. Oh, lovely day.
Thus, I am now taking two prenatal pills, Sertraline (for my depression) and I'm inserting Prometrium up my vajajay. So far, I'm doing great (insert loud, screaming sarcasm here). Also, the week before I found out I was pregnant I gained five pounds because I'm certain I'm the only one in the planet that gains weight when sick but I have since lost that plus two pounds. I'm certainly not trying to lose any weight but I have absolutely no appetite and have to force myself to eat. I'm not sure if it's a side effect of the medications I'm taking or a side effect of the depression.
All in all, the hormones in week five are completely kicking my ass. I know I sound like the biggest bundle of sunshine right now but I really am happy about this baby. I know the outcome of all this mess will be more than worth it and I can't wait to meet my little bean.