Tuesday, June 5, 2012

26 and Second Chances

I turn 26 tomorrow, which to this twenty-something girl marks a definitive age where thirty is officially closer than twenty. The simplicity of being a twenty-ish year old signifies youth, freedom and is, more often than not, generously given the compassionate acceptance of not truly knowing what the hell one is doing with one's life. On the other hand, thirty, which is synonyms with responsibilities, mortgages, careers and all that adult crap, is the complete opposite. Thirty seems much more set in stone. Where you are at thirty is almost always a definitive path of where you will be for the rest of your life and being closer to thirty than to twenty makes me feel like I need to get it together.

Granted, I have the vast majority of life figured out. I've met and have known a man's uncompromising love for almost eight years. Jarod and I are finally at a place in our relationship/ marriage where there is a peaceful ease in the way we work. We really know who we are apart from our relationship and exactly what it takes to be a really great couple. Mainly, because we have, most certainly, argued and have been forced to come to a compromise about every conceivable thing on this planet (but those are small, small details :)

I have three incredibly amazing and beautiful children with the prospect of a fourth little one in the near and dear future. My heart is absolutely full. (sigggh) Truly, my life feels amazing on so many fronts. I'm thankful for the friends I've been blessed to have. I love how we can go months without seeing each other (as we often do) and we can still talk and laugh like it's only been days since we've last seen each other. I'm thankful for my crazy (in a very endearing way :) family that each has their own lives but manages to always find time for one another. I love that my children are growing up with family that extends from Jarod and I (which is something I didn't have and have always wanted). And I really thankful for my mom - I love our relationship, our talks and the way we can read each other, often, without words. Forget pink tutus and pretty bows, our relationship is the real reason I wanted a daughter so bad.

There's so much I love about my life, so much to be thankful for. Life at 26 feels complete and filling.

I, also, really love who I am. When I think back to myself even just a few years ago, I'm so glad that the mess of a confusion is behind me. Even though I will forever attempt to look younger than I am (hello, wrinkle cream), I look forward to the peace of mind that comes with age. 26 feels really good. I'm certain 36 will be even better.

However, my one gripe about turning 26 is a little promise I made myself, a little dream of mine that I almost too embarrassed to write and most certainly, too embarrassed to say out loud. My little dream and promise I made to myself a little under two years ago was I would write a book by the time I turn 26. Unfortunately, I truly let my insecurities and all the possible and imaginable imperfections I might possess stifle any chance to get my written words down on paper. It frightens me so much that I've literally been frozen in fear.

I know, I know, I seriously need to get over myself. Thus, I've vowing to fight that asshole voice inside my head and simply, give myself a chance. A chance. It may be the most horribly scattered, poorly written book in the world. It may never see the light of day. It may be laughed at, scoffed at and looked down upon. And I'm finally okay with that because it's no longer just about a book; now it's about not disappointing myself, not giving up on me. Now it's about trying and giving myself and my little ol' dream - a chance.

So here's to turning 26 and second chances - cheers!!