Friday, December 30, 2011

Our Baby Farm is Officially Closed

We are officially done having babies. I know what you’re thinking, “uhh huh, suuure,” (as you point out  this, this and that, ohh, yah, and that) and a small part of me is thinking the same thing so that’s why Jarod's going to get the snip-snip done as soon as possible. I’ve scheduled an appointment to get the Depo shot next week and Jarod will be making a call for a consultation asap aka tomorrow.

The truth is I feel complete and so grateful for my healthy little family of five but it’s making that definitive choice and saying we are done that scares me a bit. If we are going to have a fourth, we both would like one sooner than later. I would never voluntarily have a fourth child years apart from three kids that are incredibly clustered together; I think he/she will feel left out. From my own personal experience and personal preference (my brothers being six and five years older than me), I just would not want to do that to a child. And we are not having five. Nope. Never. No.

Apart from the spacing of the children, financially having four worries me. Oddly, having three children never worried me - I always knew we would be able to financially afford them but with four, everything seems much more expensive.

On top of all of that, a very big part is that Jarod really doesn’t want to have a fourth. If he did, then this whole process and decision would be a no-brainer but the fact remains, he doesn’t. He really only wanted two but he gave me three and very kindly, really wanted to want to have four for me. He’s a saint and I’m lucky I have someone who loves me so much but I think it’s best that we put this show to an end.

It’s not as if I don’t feel happy with what I have, I’m just the kind of person that wants more of a good thing. I’m the kind of person that would, literally, have fifteen dogs because they’re cute, fun and cuddly. But do I need to be the crazy-dog lady? No. I know, I know, dogs are entirely on a different category as children but my point is, I’m kind of crazy and I know I’m a bit crazy; thus, the small rational part (aka the adult part) of me needs to step in and reevaluate what’s really going on.

The truth is I’m going to miss the whole process of having a child. Granted, a lot of it has been difficult and I’ve even gone as far as to equate it to being in hell (i.e. depression/ anxiety during and after pregnancy), but I’m desperately going to miss it. The last few years of getting pregnant, being pregnant, preparing for a baby, having a baby and enjoying in all the exciting, cute, delicious-smelling baby love has consumed my life. I feel as if I’ve known nothing else these last few years. I’m going to miss the exciting ultrasound where we find out whether we will be buying pink or blue, the pregnancy test that slowly shows the echoes of a faint second line, the little baby kicks and hiccups you feel inside of you, the joy and wondrous, overwhelming love you feel the first time you hold your newborn child. I will miss so much of those precious times of my life. They were some of the best and the moments that truly make life worth living.

But alas, it is now time to move on. It’s time to watch these beautiful children of mine grow from babies to children to (gulp) adults. It’s time to savor the time they thoroughly enjoy spending with me, the time where I am most certainly the most amazing person in their eyes. It’s time to relinquish time back with my best friend, the love of my life and the whole reason there are even three beautiful babies in this world to begin with. It is now time to move on and with such a bitter sweetness, I bid that wondrous time in my life farewell.

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