Sunday, February 5, 2012

Broken Record of Exhaustion

I’m exhausted by life. I feel like I’m a broken record these days. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. Blah. Blah. Blah. I hate the negativity that exudes from my mind but yet, I can’t deny the truth. Having three children under the age of four is tiresome. The simple act of going to the store overwhelms me and although, I know that it is a necessity, a much-needed must that the four of us (whom are usually copped up in this home) need to get out, some days the thoughts and the what-ifs overwhelm me. Two of the three babes stride a new independence of their own, complete with their assertions and temper tantrums. Just the other day when I dropped Aiden off at preschool, Tristen in sheer defiance threw himself on the floor more than four times on our way back to the car. My favorite was his ability to instantaneously turn himself into a gulp of putty puddled onto the pavement in the middle of the road.

None of our children were accidents nor the product of a whimsical night of too much bubbly wine (although that sounds fun :) Each one was careful thought for and planned well-before their existence and although, I stand by the reasons for their being here in the order in which they came, I am tired. I envy the ease a parent has of having only one child. The simplicity of only having to accommodate and attend to just one little’s ones needs and whims. It sounds so easy in comparison to having three babes to myself the vast majority of the day. I wish that I could take them out to enjoy the crisp breeze of the beach and scavenge the earth of it’s natural treasures on a walk in the wilderness. I wish for the ease of simplicity. But then the restraints of time, their dependence on schedules and my inability to account for each one of them at every second of every minute, safe from harm, safe from horrible people who snatch young children away fill and overwhelm my thoughts. Sometimes I feel unfit for all this responsibility.

It’s sweet and uplifting when people tell me that I’m doing a great job with our kids. I can see the truth in their kind words when my children laugh without reserve, when they want to smother me with kisses, embrace my neck with their tiny arms and when I see total trust reflected in their beautiful brown eyes. These small reminders help me get through the day but sometimes, some days I am overcome with this job’s overwhelming necessities and I crumble to my knees. I wish I could do more. I wish I could be better at this. But alas, I am all they have. I am all they want. I will try to be the best that they deserve because these kids, my sweet Aidy, Trissy and Aaliyanna, deserve more. They deserve more than this whole wide world could ever offer.

Note: After writing these thoughts, I decided to not let my thoughts of any existing or non-existing inability to care for my children the way I see fit to dictate our lives. I pledge to do more with my children. We will see more of the world, even if that simply means the park in our neighborhood (for now). I cannot control the rest of the world but nor should I let it control me.

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