Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Time To Be Theirs

I’ve been in bit of a funk lately. Exhausted. Frustrated by other’s inconsideration. As well incredibly busy with the ever-existing demands of keeping up a household for a family of five. The last past days I’ve wanted to scream. Cuss a LOT. And curl up in a ball and hide myself from inflictions of others.

Because sometimes the world isn’t kind and I already have so much on my plate that sometimes I just want to wish it all away and be able to pity myself. It’s such a struggle attempting to stay focused on the bigger picture, to stay focused on my goals for myself and my family, all the while maintaining a positive, upbeat mentality. I want so earnestly to be happy, positive and instantaneously deflect negative words or actions by others. But my goodness, it’s a struggle.

But the truth is I am exactly where I want to be. I’ve always wanted to be simultaneously married to the love of my life, very best friend and an incredibly good-looking babe. I got all three and the love we have for one another still blows me away. I’m so damn lucky. I have three healthy, beautiful babies and just the ability to say I have a child, someone conceived from my own flesh and blood, a human-being concocted from the purest of love, is a wonder in itself.

Not to mention, all of my basic needs are met and exceeded; I am so fortunate that I have the luxury and misfortune to take it for granted. Every. Single. Day.

However, I think the thing I need to realize and make a daily mental note on is that the world will be whatever they want to be, assholes, jerks, etc. but I can’t control that. I need to let go and give my anger to God. I need to remember we’re each on our own journey of discovery and growth, all at different paces, all unique. Some people choose the path to happiness and enlightenment and others go down Jerkface Road and with that said, I need to let go and let God.

Second of all and just as important, I need to realize, really realize, that this exhausting, overwhelming life of mine is mine. The kids incessantly are in need of my time, energy, love and everything I have to offer. They will never again need me this much in their lives. Never ever again. This is not a time for grimace, anger or frustration but instead, love, gentleness and guidance. My family needs me to build the very foundation of our family. My children need me to build the very foundation of who they will become as men and as a woman. I need to lay down the building blocks, which is so very important in the bigger grand scheme of things.

I owe it to them, to me and to the world that they become better. Better than me. Better than their father. Just better people, in general.

I've realized this is my time, my time to be theirs.

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