I've been feeling a bit down lately and I wasn't even sure where it was coming from. I push a lot of my emotions aside as often as I possibly can until it all comes out in a blur of words and tears uncontrollably falling down the cheeks of my face. I can't even comprehend what's eating at me until all of the emotion smacks me in the face.
Today was one of those days. It's incredibly hard having a spouse be gone for so much of the day. I often feel like I'm a single parent, a very fortunate single parent in comparison to other cases, but still, a single parent.
When Jarod gets home from a long work day, I don't want or expect him to help me. Even when I go out to dinner with a friend and I get to catch up with one of my favorite people and get a breather from my chaotic life, it's difficult because I do everything to make sure the kids are almost, as close as humanly possible, ready for bed, if not already in bed. And on Jarod's days off (he wakes up at 4:30 and even 3:30 some days) I let him sleep in and I take care of the kids. I'm not trying to complain because he works the hours of two people, which means I get to stay home with the kids.
But I feel like I never get a day off. I feel like I'm going about a million miles an hour every day and it's never enough. I feel like I'm never ahead of the game in terms of household chores, taking care of the kids and trying to make their lives the best I possible can. I know myself and I do better and get more done when I'm busy and I know I love the chaos of this life.
But right now, sometimes, I feel overwhelmed. Jarod even asked me if I thought it was a good idea to bring another child into our family right now since I'm feeling this way and although the above was stated and is clearly felt, I said yes. It takes nine months to make the baby and I'll adjust. After every single birth, I felt like there was no way I could do this and I did. I learned how to take care of one baby, two babies, three babies and one day I'll know how to take care of four.
I know I'll get through this. I tell myself there are other women who have dealt with more and I can do this but right now, the emotions are winning this battle over any positive "you can do it" thoughts.
(siggggghhhh).
It is tough. My hubs travels for work and os often gone for 2,3, or 4 days & nights a week. Aside from the paycheck, I am a single mom, too, when he is gone. It does get a little better as the kids get older (mine are 9, 7, & 4), but it never gets easy. Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeletethanks! :) i know it's all worth it in the end and one day i'll miss these days so much but you know how i feel, you live it too :)
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