I've been feeling a bit down lately and I wasn't even sure where it was coming from. I push a lot of my emotions aside as often as I possibly can until it all comes out in a blur of words and tears uncontrollably falling down the cheeks of my face. I can't even comprehend what's eating at me until all of the emotion smacks me in the face.
Today was one of those days. It's incredibly hard having a spouse be gone for so much of the day. I often feel like I'm a single parent, a very fortunate single parent in comparison to other cases, but still, a single parent.
When Jarod gets home from a long work day, I don't want or expect him to help me. Even when I go out to dinner with a friend and I get to catch up with one of my favorite people and get a breather from my chaotic life, it's difficult because I do everything to make sure the kids are almost, as close as humanly possible, ready for bed, if not already in bed. And on Jarod's days off (he wakes up at 4:30 and even 3:30 some days) I let him sleep in and I take care of the kids. I'm not trying to complain because he works the hours of two people, which means I get to stay home with the kids.
But I feel like I never get a day off. I feel like I'm going about a million miles an hour every day and it's never enough. I feel like I'm never ahead of the game in terms of household chores, taking care of the kids and trying to make their lives the best I possible can. I know myself and I do better and get more done when I'm busy and I know I love the chaos of this life.
But right now, sometimes, I feel overwhelmed. Jarod even asked me if I thought it was a good idea to bring another child into our family right now since I'm feeling this way and although the above was stated and is clearly felt, I said yes. It takes nine months to make the baby and I'll adjust. After every single birth, I felt like there was no way I could do this and I did. I learned how to take care of one baby, two babies, three babies and one day I'll know how to take care of four.
I know I'll get through this. I tell myself there are other women who have dealt with more and I can do this but right now, the emotions are winning this battle over any positive "you can do it" thoughts.