Upon starting my own blog, I started seeking, reading and loving other "mommy" blogs. I admire the openness in which they share their lives and their stories and even though I don't personally know these people I feel as though I do know them. I feel the intricacies of their personal thoughts, stories, adversities, worries and triumphs; I suppose that's how others may feel about my own blog.
However, the unfortunate part of reading other people's blogs is seeing the devastation and pain these women are forced to feel from losing their child and/ or dealing with their child's disability. As a mother, I can only hope that my children are given the ability to be all that they are; thus, not starting from "normal" must be so difficult. Admirably, I see so many of these women experience the pain in order to allow themselves to grieve and then proceed to stride forward with optimism and hope for a better tomorrow.
It pains me to personally know the love a mother has for her child and also, know that there are some mothers who are unable to celebrate their child's next birthday. It's one of life's mysteries why some people will only be able to imagine what their child may have been like today. (Sighhh) The mere thought of having to deal with something so traumatic and enormous in scope makes it difficult for me to breathe.
I'm not sure how I became so negative with life, in some respects, but I feel like my life is too perfect. I'm thankful for the love I've been so freely given within my family. I love my husband and look forward to every second I get to spend with him. I adore and love my little ones so much and am so grateful that I somehow managed to be privileged to raise them. Everyone in my family is healthy and happy.
So, what's my problem?
I'm terrified that it's too perfect. I have this aching feeling that something bad is going to happen because nothing has. I have three perfect children; thus, I feel like it's just, somehow, fair that my fourth will have something wrong with him or her.
I know the very odds of Jarod and I having a child with a disability is about one in a million. I know that we will more than likely have another beautiful, perfectly healthy child. But I guess, when other people ask, "why me?" when something bad happens, I'm (dumb enough) to ask, "why me?" because my life is absolute perfect.
Of course, I don't want something bad to happen. I would like to grow old with my husband, watch my children grow into adulthood, get married to the love of their lives, have babies, follow their dreams and wherever their little heart leads them. I want a life devoid of anything other than typical. I want simplicity and I really want to shake this fear that something bad will happen.