Monday, January 23, 2012

Broken-Hearted Disaster

My relationship with Jarod started when I was 18 and he was 20. We were incredibly young and people scuffed at the seriousness of our relationship not only because of the severity and speed our relationship occurred but more importantly, the age and (lack of) maturity our lives had allowed us up to that point. Having the insight to look back at myself and at Jarod a few years and a couple of major life experiences later, I see the devotion, strength and wounded tears it took to get to this point. I can, also, see how easily we could have broken at any point in our relationship. I know our relationship, any relationship, can break at it's own fragility at any single moment.

Neither, Jarod nor myself have ever been perfect nor have we ever attempted to present ourselves as such. Therefore, we'll be the first to admit our relationship has never been perfect, either. Honestly, I never thought I would fight so much with someone I love. But do I think this relationship is unhealthy? Absolutely not. It’s honest and lovely and there is a very real, genuine love beneath the damage.

I grew up thinking in simple matters and thought with every ounce of my soul that love would conquer all. It sounds simple in it’s own revelation and I would easily prefer it over the hard, gritty truth. Yet, life is not easy, our souls are not simple; thus, how could we even begin to comprehend and believe that something webbed in a magnitude of layers, from all various aspects of our past, present and hopeful future lives, be simple?

Easy; it's not.

Love does not, simply, conquer all. We, Jarod and I, conquer all because we love each other with every fabric of our beings. We fight, we hurt each other and we soothe and comfort the pain we’ve caused and that’s the truth about our relationship.

I devoted myself to write a blog every single day of this year because my deepest desire is to come to a point where I can call myself a “writer” without cringing in apprehension. I hope to become worthy enough to write something truly worth someone else’s time and this blog is my practicing grounds.

I write here because it forces me to strive for something better than just scribbled-doodle typed on a Word Document for no one, but myself, to see. Granted, I have posted blogs that I wish I could have spent more time cultivating and perfecting but I write these daily, my life is chaotic and my time is limited. I write these posts every single day and therefore, they’re raw in their honesty. I can’t blog about how cute my children are (even though, they most definitely are) when a fight with my husband is still looming in my mind.

I will continue to state the truth about my life and about marriage because I think it’s a false fabrication of what love, of what a marriage is, if I act like our days are only filled with kissing one another and writing love notes. I used to believe in those preconceived notions and they failed me; I felt like nobody told me the truth about love and marriage. Nobody explained the complexity and pain that occurs from life and love.

Yet, at the same time, I understand the implication of placing something so precious out in the world, out on the Internet, to be discriminated and judged. Jarod and I have learned very quickly that no matter what we say or do, we will forever be judged for our actions and our intentions. Trying to please others is a slippery slope of which we hope to never conquer.

I'm well-aware of the fact that there is a very fine line between being honest and expressing too much private, sacred information. There are thoughts I will never share with anyone, except with my husband. There will never be a written transcript of a fight or a truly private moment between us out for anyone else to see. I will never post anything that would damage someone I treasure. And furthermore, every single thing I post is filtered through my husband, first and foremost. I honor and respect what we share together too very much.

The life Jarod and I share is dense and complicated. It’s stressful. It's real life. There are tears from frustration and some days we wish all of the responsibilities away; that’s the truth. All that there is in our lives could easily crush us at any given moment but we fight. We don't give up on us. We continue to fight for what we have because we love one another. This broken-hearted, tear-filled disaster is our love story. You might think it's a bit F'd up, I'm sure, but I, I believe, it’s absolutely beautiful.

A little video I did for our Five Year Wedding Anniversary <3

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