Friday, January 27, 2012

To Love a Child

The truth is, there a million and one reasons to not want to have kids and frankly, to not even like them. They stink, they pee and crap in their pants and expect you to clean them. They break your shit all the time and instead of sincerely apologizing to you like a decent human being, they suggest that you just go to the store and, “buy a new one!” They ask you five-hundred-thousand questions just to annoy the hell out of you because they’re curious about the world and they demand an answer. They whine excessively, cry like a little bitch baby and ferociously throw themselves on the floor when they don’t get their way.

A very happy Tristen.

They’re a pain in the ass about 97% of the time.

So why would anyone want to have one in the first place? And why in the world would I, knowing full-well what they’re like, want to have two more after already having one, after knowing what they're really like?

Because the little shits suck you in with their tooth-less, excessively drooling little smiles and somehow, you see past all the inundated saliva dripping down their shirts, you see past their immobile, motionless fat little blobs of a body that do absolutely nothing and you see past their bald, cradle-capped bobble-head and you feel it. You feel a warm, soothing breeze sucker punch you in the gut. You have absolutely no idea how or what’s happening but it feels too wonderful to fight. It's unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and it seems impossible and even undeserving to even attempt to place this, this wondrous, amazing, overwhelming feeling of unsolicited, unconditional love, into mere mortal words.

While I was pregnant with my first-born, my baby Aiden, I knew I already loved him the very second that second line showed up. I tenderly caressed the skin of my belly where he would gently (and then not-so-gently) nudge and kick his tiny feet and hands. I sang him songs about the love I had for him in the still and quietness of my bathtub. I happily dreamt, joyfully thought and eagerly prepared for his arrival into the world, into the comfort of our family and into the protection of my arms. I had no idea what he looked like or who he was yet but still, I rejoiced at the very suggestion of his simple existence. I loved him just as he was. I was thankful to him just for being alive.

See that sweet smile of his?? Totally suckered me into wanting more babies.

In the early morning hours of March 7th, 2008, my little man was born and the love I felt when he was inside of me had nothing on the full-force emotions that steam-rolled it's way into my life the nanosecond he was born. I cradled him into my body and wanted so desperately for him to feel the love his mere existence in this world gave me so I squeezed his tiny body as tightly as I possibly could hoping the love I felt would somehow transfer into his little baby heart. I proudly stroked his sweet, precious head full of black hair. I counted each and every last toe and finger, confirming what I knew all along: he was absolutely as perfect as I thought he would be.

One-day-old baby Aiden.

The first few days of his life and my new existence as a “mommy” were undeniably special. During these days, I could have cared less if the other half of the world dropped from existence because there was only one person’s existence that mattered. Without hesitation, I promised him that I would gain the strength of a million soldiers if I needed to in order to keep him safe and happy. I vowed to put his life, needs and whims before my own.

Stating how easy and simple and how effortless it was to love him seems too much of an understatement because it was much, much too easy, simple and effortless. Loving your child feels as natural as breathing, you do it without thought and you even begin to wonder what you ever did before with your once-meaningless life was graced with such amazement.

My rolly-polly, Aidy-Aids.

Though there are many, many moments where I have cried in frustration, lashed out at my husband because I had no other place to direct my anger and have prayed for time to speed these years forward as swift and as fast as possible, nothing, nothing, could ever take away the love I have for my children.

Nothing they could do could ever make me love them any less. Nothing else in this world could make me feel this kind of love for another. Nothing else could change me so much as much as the simple act of being their mommy.

Kisses from Trissy.

To say, “I love my children with every ounce of my being, every fabric of my soul, every thing that makes me whole, that makes me me,” just doesn’t give the love I have for them any true justice.

So to answer the question on why in the world did I have a child and then proceed to have more children??

My sweet baby girl and my very pink bra.

Simple. Because this love I've so generously been given and freely allowed to feel, own and protect is too damn good, wonderful, amazing, overwhelming, beautiful, incredible, lovely, great, extraordinary, delightful, magnificent and brilliant to not want to experience over and over again.

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