Sunday, January 22, 2012

Stressed the Hell Out

I’ve been in a bit of funk lately. I’m not sure if it has to do with the cabin-fever I’ve been enduring the last few days or maybe, postpartum depression creeping up. I've experienced a bit of post-partum depression after the birth of my son, Tristen, and just a tad bit after Ali’s birth but during my pregnancy with baby Ali depression hit me hard, as in I got my ass handed to me by a large 400-pound man named Tyrone. So it’s safe to assume that I can very well be experiencing or expecting some post-partum depression. Who knows.

I feel as if what I'm experiencing is too minor to assume it's the dreaded, "postpartum depression." What I’m feeling may just be an effect of one or many of the million various stressful factors in my life. Some days I feel like my life is stress-case wheezing past me, vivacious bouncing off of every conceivable surface in a mere matter of seconds. I’m forced to remind myself to breathe. I inhale deeply, hoping the generous amount of air penetrating my lungs will calm everything inside of me that aches to explode.

To say, "I’m stressed these days," is in an understatement.

Thus, Jarod and I have been fighting a lot more lately and I can see him eyeing me with cautious concern that this may another exhilarating ride on the roller coaster of depression. If I happen to take too long changing my clothes or spend more time in the bathroom than he thinks necessary, he’ll come to the door, politely knock and gently ask me how I’m doing. Finally, I realized he was being a bit too concerned and told him that I was fine and to stop checking on me or he'll find himself in a crying in fetal position before long.

Since I’m noticing these emotional, stressful changes occurring, I wanted to spend the day doing things that I loved. I went to gym, ran a few miles and lifted a few weights. Okay, let's be clear here: I don’t love working out. Pleeease. I’m not nor will never be one of those girls. Granted, I really like how I feel after I work out but instead of exercising, I would rather be sitting my ass on the couch, watching terrible reality TV and eating MSG-infected Doritos. But alas, I knew I needed some endorphins BAD and taking care of your body is always a good thing (as well as a New Year's Resolution).

Afterwards, we dropped the kids off at my parents house so Jarod and I could spend some quality time together and some time away from the kids!! YAY!! We grabbed lunch at Azteca, shopped for some birthday gifts for a party we're going to tomorrow and then hit up the local Value Village to get some used books for me to read.

It felt great getting out of the house and even as we sat eating our meal peacefully without responsibility, I couldn’t help notice and sympathize with the woman sitting next to us with her three kids that were very much the same age as ours. I get so entrenched in the everyday monotonous, yet non-monotonous, routine in our lives that this craziness seems so normal and I fail to acknowledge that it is, in fact, very abnormal and crazy. As I sat directly across from the very replica of my everyday life as a spectator looking in, I realized that I have an incredibly full-plate on my hands and at the same time, I felt immense sympathy for myself. Whoa, she's busy!! Wait, that's pretty much my life right there.

Next, we went to the thrift store as one of my New Year Resolutions for myself is to make reading a priority again so I decided I needed to buy some books and refill my bookshelves with some of my favorite things on earth. After I had kids, my stuff slowly got replaced with brightly-colored, obnoxiously noisy children’s items and my books were sold and donated away. Not only do I miss a good book but I miss the beauty of a shelf full of books.

My new books :)

The books at Value Village cost a maximum of $2.99 and they have a deal where you get one book free when you buy four, so I was able to get 5 books for a little over $13.00 with tax. I know it’s almost near-impossible for me to find time to read but I want so desperately to try. Even if it takes me a full year to read one single book while the other four collect dust on the bookshelf, then so be it.

After our little date, Jarod and I headed back to my parents to pick up the kids and fully intended on relaxing at home with some cranberry juice and buckets full a splash of, oh, so lovely, vodka. It would be the end to a wonderful day but then somewhere between my parent’s home and our home, we got in a huge fight about money, again. Basically, our fight from the other night wasn’t over; it never got resolved. We yelled. We fought. Again. And again. This seems to be a reoccurring pattern lately.

Jarod ended up staying home as I took the kids for a drive and finally stopped somewhere for dinner. I was so angry that I even contemplated staying at a hotel for the night but a few hours later, my anger slowly diminished and the kids and I ended up back home, where we finally and truly resolved the money argument. I hope.

Even when I'm trying so desperately to live a day devoid of stress it always seems to find a way to seep right back, be it through an argument, , misguided or ill-intentioned behavior from a child or just an overall crappy day. It seems impossible to live a life deprived of stress.

Maybe I have some postpartum depression but I think I've come to the assumption that the biggest likelihood to explain the way I feel right now is: I’m just stressed the hell out.

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