Because the truth is Aiden is not a bad kid. He is not a bad person. Goodness, he’s not even four; we still have a lot of time to mold him into a outstanding man. Also, I know I can’t be a bad mother because I am whole-heartly trying the best I can. I hate that I was never given a handbook on raising children nor was I given a handbook on how to raise any one of our children . I’m literally hanging onto the seat of my chair, experimenting with various parenting techniques and hoping one works better than the other.
I’ve realized and need to be okay, and I mean, really, really okay, with the fact that I can’t do more for him because I’m doing the best I can. As a mother and as a woman, I feel like if something’s not working then it’s my fault and I just need to do more, just need to do better.
Thus, I’m vowing to stop being so hard on myself and accept myself as I accept my children. I don’t demand perfection from them nor should I of myself. I can’t give Aiden every single thing he wants and needs and so I’m letting go. I’m letting him go out into preschool, out into the world and apart from the place he’s known every second of his life: by my side. Off he goes to meet new people, share new experiences and learn from someone else I hope will care for him a fraction of how I care for him.
(Tears. Tears. Tears.)